Good daying, constituents, and unless I’m very much mistaken this has now become the most utterly boring general election in general election history, so I won’t be long.
Having heard the news that a woman had been eaten by a lion, I’d immediately thought that human polygraph Jeremy Paxman had literally had the PM for breakfast, but alas, it was nothing to do with the big interview featuring a rather tired-looking executioner and two talking corpses.
In fact, the story about a woman being eaten by a lion was about a woman who had, tragically, and somewhat unsurprisingly for a woman who had once been pictured hugging a cheetah and whose job it was to feed a lion, been eaten by a lion. Except the lion was a tiger.
And so on the utterly tiresome general election goes, with odd half-amusing half-depressing entertainments like Jeremy Corbyn pretending to know, refusing to say and then allowing the female host to tell him the big number she’d been pestering him for live on BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour. God, women can be so annoying! And she wasn’t even his wife. Or his mum. Or your mum.
Which leaves us with tonight’s BBC One special thing with Jeremy Corbyn turning up and Theresa May refusing to appear because she thinks it’s a waste of time, so she sends another woman, Amber Rudd in her place! Weird. What happens if Amber Rudd does well? Can we have her as PM? What happens if she declares war on Scotland? Is it war?
The way I see it is thus. We are in a five stage general election of grief.
Stage 1 – Denial – What the fuck? I thought we were doing Brexit. She can’t have called a general election. Madness.
Stage 2 – Anger – What the fuck? Who does she think she is? Arrogance. She’s only done it cos of Brexit. She knows she can’t lose. She just wants more power.
Stage 3 – Bargaining – Well, Brexit is happening so I suppose if I vote for the PM then at least we can have a good Brexit.
Stage 4 – Depression – This general election is really happening. God, it’s dull. Did she just say strong and stable again?
Stage 5 – Acceptance – Well, I’m in the voting booth and I thought I was going to vote for Jeremy Corbyn but I can’t stop hearing the words strong and stable and yes, that’s what we need. I want to be strong and stable. I’ll vote for that.
I’m bored of being your candidate.