Four Minutes Twelve Seconds


Good middaying, constituents, and as you’ve probably read by now, yesterday’s British Airways i360 event was a super-duper success, and that was just the flan!

I managed to read my entire speech in four minutes and 12 seconds, a personal record, and all before the BA security staff had escorted me from the pod for impersonating a terrorist. This country!

You’ll have seen The Argus mainly report on the heroic (in their words) deeds of a homeless man, whose name, again, I didn’t get, but who, bizarrely, and too creepily, had helped me to find a dentist the day before.

All I can say is, when you need a brown paper bag to aid hyperventilation, the homeless come in very handy. Note to Cathy: Can’t we train them in first aid and station them around the city as homeless paramedics? Would make use of them.

Anyway, the obese American woman who hobbled into the pod on crutches (and in jogging bottoms!) as the doors were beeping shut arrived just in time to hear me shout my attention grabber, “This is not a joke, this is when you listen, Brighton!”, which, due to nerves, three glasses of fizz, and a Spanish-style piece of flan which left a lump of salchichon fat wrapped around my new crown and caused my jaw to over-twitch, came out even more menacingly than I’d practised underneath the West Pier. In Cathy’s face.

Well, from then on it was homelessman, brown paper bag, beeps, crutches, obese American woman collapsing, homelessman, brown paper bag, obese American woman, beeps, pod stopping, pod descending, grey jogging bottoms!, flan, flan, flan, homelessman, fizz, beeps, fizz, doors, security, fizz, arrests, homelessman, brown paper bag, obese American woman, brown paper bag, grey jogging bottoms!, brown paper bag, photographer, police van.

So to get the full speech delivered, along with an answer to the homelessman’s question, was, what I would call, a triumph. And like I said, No, no change. Sorry.

Will try and post speech, but up against it for now. Just got started on the UKIP manifesto, which, like that Cadbury’s ad with the gorilla, is purple, funny and makes absolutely no sense.

Chief purple bell-end Paul Nuttall begins, “I have always believed that UKIP is at its best when it is being radical.” Fundamentalist! Sounds like the intro from an ISIS recruitment video, the cheating liar.

It’s a pleasure to be your candidate.

PS If you want to read my quote in The Argus in full, it’s on page 65, in the continued part of the story, paragraph 229, fourth line, after Cathy’s and under the horoscopes.


The Campaigning Continues

This is the place where we make things from coffee like cups of coffee

Hello, constituents, and I’m delighted to announce a return to campaigning following the emergency dental treatment I had to undergo yesterday as a result of a crumbling molar and a bloody hard toffee Eclair.

Thanks go out to the homeless man whose name I didn’t get but who spotted my obvious agony and directed me to the nearest dental surgery. Why he knew where it was I have no idea. And like I tried to say, I really did have no change. Plus the price of any dentistry is extortionate, let alone emergency crowns.

So, onward to today’s key speech. I’ll be delivering it in the British Airways i360 with ‘complimentary fizz and flan’ later this afternoon. And yes, I have prepared a longer version, if, fingers crossed, we get stuck in the air for a couple of hours.

If you do happen to be lucky enough to be in the pod for the speech, please listen, pay attention, ask questions at the end, if they’ve been vetted by Cathy beforehand, and enjoy!

I’ve sent out a press release to the Argus, but should they not print it, I’ll post the speech here later. It’s a winner.

It’s a pleasure to be your newly-crowned candidate.


U-Turn On Free Tins For Elderly


Hello, constituents, and shock news. We need to cap the number of free tins we can give the elderly.

Today I personally handed out 79 tins – peaches, pears and flageolets – to two OAPs! And they were married! They just keep taking! But they vote. It’s a dilemma. Especially when they’re so forgetful. Both Jessica and Reg kept calling me Caroline.

So Cathy at HQ says we’re capping the number of tins we hand out, with just one free hot drink (none if we can pretend they’ve already had one), and all without breaking our key manifesto pledge of tins for old votes.

It’s a pleasure to be your candidate.

Remember, You Only Have Until Tonight To Register To Vote For Me

‘I’m Voting Nun Of The Above’

This is only thanks to a deal Cathy at HQ has managed to do with the Electoral Register. If you are planning to vote for someone else, registration is already closed, so there’s no point trying. You’ll just complicate things with the Electoral Register and they’re likely to send you a letter/court summons costing you a lot of money. You might even go to prison.

To Vote For Me And Me Only:

It’s a pleasure to be the only candidate you can register to vote for.

I’m 55 Minutes Through A Live WebChat, Please Join Me


Quick, constituents, I’m 55 minutes through a live webchat, which shuts in five. Had a bad start due to a wifi issue here at the Bright Helm Wetherspoons, just down from the Brighton train station and near the sea. Darren, the deputy manager, didn’t tell me the code changes every Sunday. For anyone inside OR OUTSIDE who needs it, it’s BH1733920W. Also, had just ordered food when I signed in, hence the username. Get to reddit and ask me anything!

Sorry, the wifi crashed again mid intro and that’s just taken me six minutes to publish. The webchatroom is now closed. I’ll paste the last hour’s action here. Need to speak with Cathy about all this.

18.00 The live webchatroom with TABLE14 is open. Ask TABLE14 anything.

18.01 TABLE14 is not logged in

18.02 TABLE14 is not logged in

18.02 TABLE14 is logged in

18.03 TABLE14 is not logged in

18.05 MODERATOR – please wait while we try to connect with tonight’s live guest

18.15 TABLE14 is logged in – Hi, constituents!, and everyone else, thanks for joining me tonight here on redditAMA, sorry about my username, mix-up with my food order, I’m currently hot-desking here at the Bright Helm Wetherspoons in Brighton, just down from the train station and near the sea. 10oz gammon with eggs, in case you’re wondering. And great value too. Wifi not 100% at mo. Typical! But on we go. So, first question…?

18.16 TABLE14 is not logged in

18.17 TABLE14 is not logged in

18.20 TABLE14 is logged in – No questions yet? Is anyone there? Think wifi is working this end. Cathy?

18.22 C@HQ – Hello TABLE14, can you tell me a bit about yourself?

18.23 TABLE14 – Yes, thanks C@HQ, nice of you to join me. So, yes, I’m running to be

18.23 TABLE14 is not logged in

18.25 TABLE14 is not logged in

18.29 MALCOLM is logged in – You described me as racist in this blogpost, you absolute twat. So what are you going do for me then?

18.30 TABLE14 is logged in

18.30 TABLE 14 is writing a private reply to MALCOLM


18.39 TABLE14 – Gammon and eggs arrived at last, will need to take a few minutes

18.42 TABLE 13 – Hello TABLE14 any chance of the ketchup or are you keeping the bottle?LOL

18.43 TABLE 31 – TABLE14 that was always our favourite table. We’re up here now. Look up above the screen. To your left. Hello!

18.45 TABLE 14 – is this webchatroom just full of people in the Bright Helm? Cathy?

18.46 DAZZ – Did you want a dessert TABLE14

18.46 TABLE14 – Cheesecake

18.47 DAZZ – Strwaberry again?


18.47 TABLE14 is not logged in

18.55 TABLE14 is logged in – Cathy, Im just asking people to join in from blog. Believe a couple might be able to make it, how long have we got left? Can we delete it from the internet as soon as it’s finished?

18.56 TABLE14 is not logged in

18.59 DAMEDAVELYNN is logged in

19.00 webchatroom is now closed, thank you, TABLE14, for more great live AMAs, click here

La La La

La La Land DVD out now in my local garage. Told Cathy at HQ to Photoshop Lib Leader Tim Farron’s head onto the man’s body and talking blancmange Nick Clegg’s onto the woman’s. Until then, you’ll just have to imagine it. Oh, and Cathy’s promised to write something quite witty over the ‘THE FEEL GOOD MOVIE OF THE YEAR’ quote (I’ve recommended ‘THE MADDEST POLITICAL MOVES OF THE YEAR,’ Paul Nuttall, Film Nut), as well as changing the names, erasing the director bit, changing the awards for number of MPs or something, and definitely keeping the ‘HERE’S TO THE FOOLS WHO DREAM’ tagline. Enjoy!