Four Minutes Twelve Seconds


Good middaying, constituents, and as you’ve probably read by now, yesterday’s British Airways i360 event was a super-duper success, and that was just the flan!

I managed to read my entire speech in four minutes and 12 seconds, a personal record, and all before the BA security staff had escorted me from the pod for impersonating a terrorist. This country!

You’ll have seen The Argus mainly report on the heroic (in their words) deeds of a homeless man, whose name, again, I didn’t get, but who, bizarrely, and too creepily, had helped me to find a dentist the day before.

All I can say is, when you need a brown paper bag to aid hyperventilation, the homeless come in very handy. Note to Cathy: Can’t we train them in first aid and station them around the city as homeless paramedics? Would make use of them.

Anyway, the obese American woman who hobbled into the pod on crutches (and in jogging bottoms!) as the doors were beeping shut arrived just in time to hear me shout my attention grabber, “This is not a joke, this is when you listen, Brighton!”, which, due to nerves, three glasses of fizz, and a Spanish-style piece of flan which left a lump of salchichon fat wrapped around my new crown and caused my jaw to over-twitch, came out even more menacingly than I’d practised underneath the West Pier. In Cathy’s face.

Well, from then on it was homelessman, brown paper bag, beeps, crutches, obese American woman collapsing, homelessman, brown paper bag, obese American woman, beeps, pod stopping, pod descending, grey jogging bottoms!, flan, flan, flan, homelessman, fizz, beeps, fizz, doors, security, fizz, arrests, homelessman, brown paper bag, obese American woman, brown paper bag, grey jogging bottoms!, brown paper bag, photographer, police van.

So to get the full speech delivered, along with an answer to the homelessman’s question, was, what I would call, a triumph. And like I said, No, no change. Sorry.

Will try and post speech, but up against it for now. Just got started on the UKIP manifesto, which, like that Cadbury’s ad with the gorilla, is purple, funny and makes absolutely no sense.

Chief purple bell-end Paul Nuttall begins, “I have always believed that UKIP is at its best when it is being radical.” Fundamentalist! Sounds like the intro from an ISIS recruitment video, the cheating liar.

It’s a pleasure to be your candidate.

PS If you want to read my quote in The Argus in full, it’s on page 65, in the continued part of the story, paragraph 229, fourth line, after Cathy’s and under the horoscopes.


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